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Another Corny Water Joke: The Texan Inspection

A Texas* Department of Water representative pulled up to a sprawling ranch and approached the leery old ranch owner. In a haughty, authoritative voice he announced to the rancher, “I need total access to this place to inspect for water allocation compliance.”

texas water inspector jokeThe old rancher paused and then said, “Well, OK then. But don’t go in that field over there.”

The Water representative pulled out his ID card and growled, “Mister, I have the full authority of the great state of Texas with me. You see this card? This card means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any agricultural land, including anywhere on your place. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old rancher shrugged his shoulders but said nothing. He then nodded politely, and went about his work.

A short time later, the old rancher heard a commotion and bellowing, loud screams and turned to see the Water Rep running for the gate, followed closely by three huge, angry bulls. The bulls’ thundering hooves were gaining on the Water Rep with every step.

The old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out to the terrified Water Rep,

“Your card! Show ’em your card!”

*replace with the name of any state befitting your own personal bias or animus!


If you’re up for even more hokey water-related humor, get a life! Or, try…

Four Corny Water Jokes
Water and Drought Jokes: How Dry Is It?
Water Joke: Go Fish with the Blondes
Water Joke: Little Johnny Talks Water Quality

Austin, Beware of the Blob

Austin Water Utility demonstrates that slimy, greasy, fatty subject matter can really get the creative juices flowing!  “Stop the Grease Blob” sounds like a band playing at Austin’s SXSW, but is actually a video from the city’s campaign to alert customers to the horrifying consequences of putting greases and fats down the drain. We love the screaming females and melodramatic music. Made me laugh (and snagged them an award.)

And if, like me, you imagine sewer blobs as more brownish and stinky-chunky, there’s also a campaign poster with a more surreal, scary-cute sewer savage. Repulsive, yet adorable!

San Antonio’s Mutant Ninja Sewer Turtle

SAWS sewer turtle videoFrom this angle, I can’t quite tell if this is Michaelangelo, Raphael, Leonardo, or Donatello! A few mutant Ninja skills might have helped this fully grown, totally stuck turtle found trapped inside a Texas sewer pipe. The San Antonio Water System’s snaking sewer camera caught the oddball obstruction during a routine sewer line check.

It took hours of dirty digging and dismantling to free the native “red-eared slider” who was then safely relocated to a nearby pond.

Here is a screenshot from the camera video (I guess they don’t have spell-check on those rigs!) which can be seen in total on the San Antonio Water System’s Facebook page. Also, see www.kens5.com for the complete video of this story as seen on the local news broadcast.

SAWS sewer turtle rescue

SAWS sewer turtle rescue

SAWS sewer turtle

Best of 2009: Water and Drought Jokes: How Dry is It?

We’re taking it easy the last week of 2009 with reposts of some of our 2009 faves!

In case you missed it: In the thick of a blistering 2009 summer, we were inundated with news from far and wide of deep, devastating drought… so of course, that caused us to inquire, “Just HOW DRY is it?”

—REPOSTED, Original Link Here

Drought Turning Texas Dry as Toast: Yesterday I saw this headline on MSNBC (via WaterSISWeb) so that’s my cue to dig up my collection of “It’s so dry…” jokes.

So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry the Baptists are sprinkling and Methodists are spitting
It’s so dry that the Catholics are giving rain checks.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
So dry the trees are bribing the dogs. (variation: It’s so dry that the trees are whistlin’ for the dogs.)
Its so dry here that the fire hydrants are chasing the dogs around.
So dry my duck don’t know how to swim.
It’s been dry so long we only got a quarter inch of rain during Noah’s Flood.
So dry I’m spitting cotton.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
Dryer than a popcorn fart.
It’s so dry that the cows are giving evaporated milk. (variation: So dry the cows are giving powdered milk.)
It’s so dry the fish are knocking on the door, askin’ for a drink of water.
It’s so dry here the all the fish have ticks.
It’s so dry the Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
It’s so dry you’re only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
It’s so dry the government has announced a water pistol buy back scheme.
It’s so dry, crooks are siphoning off radiators instead of gas tanks.
It’s so dry, they’re encouraging people to pee in the pool.
It’s so dry, all the Baptists are converting to Catholic.
It’s so dry, the the dogs are marking their territory with chalk lines.
It’s so dry they’ve had to close two lanes at the swimming pool.
It’s so dry the river only runs twice a week.

All new, original! A few more I thought of while writing this post:

So dry we’re fishin’ on lawn chairs with slingshots.
It’s so dry we went rafting on hand trucks.
So dry the water tower was held up at gunpoint.

Sources: collected from all over, including here, here, here, here, here and here!

Water Towers, Merry and Bright: Part 2

To make your season bright…part 2! Again in 2009 we’ve rounded up some fantastic festive towers decorated for the holiday season! (See Part 1 here or the 2008 collection here and here.)


The Southern Arkansas University Water Tower Candle, photographed by Sounds like “Jee” on Flickr. This circa-1976 water tower is the most recognizable landmark in Magnolia, Arkansas and features a peal of 14 cast bronze bells near the top. The illuminated holiday candle decoration is a tradition that was established in l988.


This photo is from the annual public tree lighting ceremony in Concord, North Carolina by Paul Purser on Flickr, shot while working on a book about Charlotte NC and surrounding communities. (www.destinationcharlottethebook.com.) The water tower reads “All American City” and is a Concord icon. This great photo captures the city Christmas tree, the water tower, and fireworks in one shot.


A striking display from the City of Round Rock, Texas by Christopher Rose (khowaga1) on Flickr



This photo by mfng (Tom) on Flickr shows a landmark water tower in Durham, North Carolina. The site is a former Lucky Strike cigarette factory in the American Tobacco Historic District, now converted into a mixed-use campus of offices, restaurants and condos.


This water tower topped with a light tree is by gorfram on Flickr who notes that every year the Shoreline (Washington) Water District puts up a tree made of lights up on top of this water tower with local merchants donating towards the cost. Her photo was taken just as dusk was deepening into night. There’s a dusting of snow on top of the water tank, the Christmas tree is ringed by various radio masts and other equipment, and the twigs of a Japanese maple are in the foreground.


By QT Long at terragalleria.com, a festive water tower in Tennessee.

Water and Drought Jokes: How Dry is It?

Drought Turning Texas Dry as Toast: Yesterday I saw this headline on MSNBC (via WaterSISWeb) so that’s my cue to dig up my collection of “It’s so dry…” jokes.

So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry the Baptists are sprinkling and Methodists are spitting
It’s so dry that the Catholics are giving rain checks.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
So dry the trees are bribing the dogs. (variation: It’s so dry that the trees are whistlin’ for the dogs.)
Its so dry here that the fire hydrants are chasing the dogs around.
So dry my duck don’t know how to swim.
It’s been dry so long we only got a quarter inch of rain during Noah’s Flood.
So dry I’m spitting cotton.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
Dryer than a popcorn fart.
It’s so dry that the cows are giving evaporated milk. (variation: So dry the cows are giving powdered milk.)
It’s so dry the fish are knocking on the door, askin’ for a drink of water.
It’s so dry here the all the fish have ticks.
It’s so dry the Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
It’s so dry you’re only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
It’s so dry the government has announced a water pistol buy back scheme.
It’s so dry, crooks are siphoning off radiators instead of gas tanks.
It’s so dry, they’re encouraging people to pee in the pool.
It’s so dry, all the Baptists are converting to Catholic.
It’s so dry, the the dogs are marking their territory with chalk lines.
It’s so dry they’ve had to close two lanes at the swimming pool.
It’s so dry the river only runs twice a week.

All new, original! A few more I thought of while writing this post:

So dry we’re fishin’ on lawn chairs with slingshots.
It’s so dry we went rafting on hand trucks.
So dry the water tower was held up at gunpoint.

Sources: collected from all over, including here, here, here, herehere and here!

We’re Laughing AT You, Not WITH You

From KSTP.com (really!) an incident that’s practically guaranteed to end up at juvie court:

City Not Laughing at Virginia (Minnesota)
Water Tower Prank

What was likely intended as a prank, is not amusing officials on the Iron Range. Police in Virginia say someone climbed up on the city water tower and changed the ‘n’ on ‘Queen City’ to an ‘r.’

The vandalism was discovered Monday morning. City officials say the vandalism took some effort, as the entire area is surrounded by barbed wired. The incident is being treating as a criminal investigation, and the water tower was re-painted a few hours after the discovery.

Was a Texas inmate’s vulgar note written on a piece of toilet paper and sent to a prosecutor constitutionally protected free speech? In a decisive landmark ruling, a federal appeals court ruled it is not. From cbs11tv.com,

Vulgar Note On Toilet Paper Not Protected Speech

In 2005, reacting to a motion from the state lawyer who urged an appeal in his case be dismissed, George Morgan (a convicted drug dealer) mailed her a note on toilet paper that basically instructed her to use the paper it for its intended purpose along with his opinion on her motion to dismiss. Then he signed it.

The 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, upholding a lower court, said Texas prison administrators were within their authority when they docked George Morgan 15 days of good time credits for sending the note.

Morgan had appealed the docked credits within the prison system and lost, then took his arguments to the federal courts, insisting the First Amendment “protects his vulgar pen from penalty and that the Fourteenth Amendment protects his good time credits from loss,” according to the 5th Circuit’s description of the case.

Morgan first became eligible for parole in 2007. He remains at the Stevenson Unit outside Cuero in South Texas.

Buzzards DID foretell water misery for Gladewater!

Earlier this week, did you laugh at our juvenile superstitions over buzzards roosting atop the Gladewater, Texas water tower? Did you scoff at our contention that this was an unsettling, bad sign?

Well, look at this, left-brainers, we were right! The Feb. 26, 2009 news-journal.com reports the “breaking news” that LINE BREAKS LEAVE GLADEWATER WATERLESS.

The city of Gladewater was without water most of Wednesday after two breaks to a main water line in less than 24 hours.

The broken line was about 50 years old and connected the water plant to the Gay Avenue water tower, City Manager Jay Stokes said.

Due to the original break, Gladewater students didn’t begin classes until 10 a.m. Wednesday. After the second, the schools dismissed at 1:30 p.m.

“We had bottled water available for the students to drink, but there were health concerns involving the inability to use restroom facilities, so we dismissed early,” Superintendent J.P. Richardson said.
Schools will operate on a regular schedule today if the water problem has been resolved, he said.

City residences and businesses also were without water Wednesday.

“This is not a good position to be in,” Stokes said

“If we had a fire without adequate water pressure, it could be difficult to bring it under control. It’s also just uncomfortable and difficult for people to go about their daily business if they don’t have access to water in their homes and place of employment.”

Town is abuzz about water tower buzzards

It appears as if a sequel to Hitchcock’s The Birds is shooting on location atop the Gladewater, Texas water supply! Of course, buzzards and vultures have been spooking mankind for eons; from Disney cartoons to classic literature, they frequently portend dying and death. So naturally, city leaders are worried that, “if the birds remain on the tower, their droppings will ruin the paint, which would cost about $80,000 to reapply.”

From the Friday, February 20, 2009 news-journal.com,

City Manager Jay Stokes discussed buzzards — the ones roosting on the water tower — Thursday with the City Council. Stokes said he has had numerous complaints from residents about the birds and has counted up to 80 of them on the tower at one time.

The city had a problem with the buzzards several years ago and eliminated them by applying for a permit and shooting them, Stokes said. If the birds remain on the tower, their droppings will ruin the paint, which would cost about $80,000 to reapply, he said. It’s also possible the birds could damage telecommunications equipment on the tower, Stokes added.

“I’m open to any and all suggestions from council members or others in the community about how to deal with this,” Stokes said. “The main thing to emphasize is that we don’t want to spend money on a temporary solution. We need to find something that will keep them away.

Stokes asked the council if anything was off limits as far as considering ways to deal with the problem. Councilman Scott E. Owens said Stokes should investigate all possibilities and take whatever action is necessary to eliminate the birds or get them to relocate.

“While I will try to find some sort of other solution first, we may have to be open to the option of seeking a permit to destroy the buzzards,” Stokes said. “I don’t know that there’s any way to persuade them to roost at another location.”

Anti-cultural-ignorance footnote: In many non-Western cultures, buzzards are traditionally a good omen, foretelling happy times ahead with health, luck, or wealth.