Headlines that Make Me Say, “Huh?”

South Haven officials, please get in touch. I believe I can help you unravel this perplexing mystery.

Which begs the question: are there environmental problems in heaven?

Lane County, how much of this is allocated for communications consultants? I know a good one and I’m pretty sure she can work within your budget.

As you might have noted by the image watermarks, all from failpost.com.

Math: Like Watching Water Drip

Here’s a good example of why I never did well in math coursework! This is just one video submitted for the Math Awareness Project. At nearly nine minutes, it is the abbreviated version! As the tantalizing introduction states, the video will take us along on a Math adventure in which,

“I’m going to count water dripping from my kitchen tap. When I’m through counting 1,000 drops I’ll measure it to see what quantity 1,000 drops is.”

At mathawareness.org, we learn that the collaborative project intends to count to 1 Million and,

The purpose of this project is to bring ‘math awareness’ to the general public of the United States and to increase the number of our next generation of college students, grades K-12, majoring in the STEM sciences (science, technology, engineering, mathematics).

Good Job! This project should easily weed out any intellectual weaklings who lack unnatural focus or unreasonable perseverance!

10 More Weird Water Items for Sale on Ebay

The Thirsty in Suburbia Super Water Flea returns! Following are 10 more hand-picked examples of rare, unusual and weird water-related merch just waiting for your winning bid. (The Sept. 2009 edition is here.)

1. You always knew water tended to be political so how about this one that’s “the right drink for the conservative taste”? This “Goldwater” can was made during  the 1960s Barry Goldwater U.S. presidential campaign. The seller notes, “the can has some rust on it.” Currently, one bidder with $2.00 on the board.

2. This represents “the greatest sensational mystery ever attempted in this or any other age.” Just try finding that someplace else for under twenty bucks. The Houdini In the Water-Filled Torture Cell poster is available at the Buy-It-Now price of $16.98.

3. With a little lovin’ care, this Halsey Taylor vintage water fountain could be the centerpiece of your properly sustainable mid-century modern hipster hangout. It is sold “As Is” and there are no returns! You can Buy it Now for just $44.98, but don’t overlook the $79.98 shipping charges. But who can put a price on Cool, really?

4. Get rich quick! Did you know making money with bottled water is as easy as filling in the blanks? The description for the Bottled Water Company Business Plant bundle notes “Stop struggling to write your business plan by using the professionally prewritten sample Bottled Water Company business plan included in the Bottled Water Company Business Plan Bundle…” Just $39.95 with a “30 day money-back guarantee.”

5. As crazy as things are getting out in the Wild Water West, who knows, this could be worth something someday!

This is a common stock certificate from the Southern California Water Company issued August 12, 1952 to one “Stirling, Morris and Bousman.” Even if it is worthless, the nice engraving of pipes and tanks will surely console the buyer. Maybe you? It’s a low risk at Just $8.29 and impulse shoppers, it’s “Buy It Now!”

6. While this is a classic gag, you DO need special supplies, and here they are! The New colored Tap Water Prank Gag Practical Joke is yours for 99 cents and $1.95 shipping. A cheap thrill! Just “insert one of four colored tablets into your faucet stem and watch as the water gets UGLY. Comes with 3 colored tablets and spring.” When April 1st rolls around you’re going to wish you’d jumped on this one, so plan ahead now!

7. Speaking of planning ahead, here’s your Halloween ace in the hole! Check out the HOT price ($258) on this Water Droplet costume. (Last Halloween, we priced a similar one for $1,279 and it didn’t even have awesome googly eyes like this one does! The seller notes that this giant water drop has a POLYFOAM head, which is important because,

“We use the advanced machine to manufacture POLYFOAM head, it is only one piece, it is stronger and enough hard to avoid to break when it meet strike accidentally, User head can be protected very well, but paperboard or foam head was produced by different  paperboard or foam pieces, they was usually agglutinated by the bad gluewater, this kind of head is not very firm, and very easily to turn into fragment, At the same time, the gluewater do harm to the User, It makes the User headache or feel unhappy.”

8. Get back to nature and start livin’ off the land with this old timey Rare Crank Water Pump, SBP St. Louis. The seller says it is in “very good condition, the crank turns freely & turns a chain with small tin cups to lift water up.” So if you’re dreaming of getting off the water grid, this could help you git yer groundwater on…err, up. The starting bid is $699 but the shipping is “free.”

9. Another item for those suffering an unusual obsession with vintage pumps. As if the internet’s not bad enough, this DVD covers Myers Vintage Water Pumps Catalogs from 1905 -1940. F.E. Myers Pumps was established in 1870 and the Myers’ brothers developed the first double acting hand pump. The DVD reproduces 7 vintage catalogs, featuring a huge treasury of information and illustrations for all types of water pumps, windmills, etc for home, farm and commercial use.

10. This is a new copy of a vintage Water Hazard golf sign. It measures 6″ x 12″ and it all-weather metal. Of course you don’t have to use this for something golf-related. Use your imagination, you can come up with something inventive, can’t you? It is listed with a starting bid of $4.99 with $4.95 for shipping.

Pet Poop Risk Assessment. Seriously.

Pet poop pollutes! So it makes sense that there have been increased efforts of late to educate the public on BMPPPs (Best Management Pet Poop Practices.)

Some campaigns are creative, some are forgettable, but this one is just unbelievable!  Courtesy of Cooperative Extension Service, College of Tropical Agriculture & Human Resources, University of Hawaii at Manoa, is HAPPI-Home Flyer 16: Pet Waste Management. (In their defense: this is dated August 2000 and they might well be shocked to learn that it is floating around live on the World Wide Web in 2010.)

After some general background information, nasty facts about crap, and a list of do’s and don’ts comes the real meat of the document, the part that’s going to CHANGE OUR BAD BEHAVIOR: a worksheet to complete your very own Pet Poop Risk Assessment Analysis and Action Plan.

ASSESSING YOUR RISKS

Complete the risk assessment table on page 2 to determine the water pollution risks from your pets’ wastes. For each category, choose the set of practices that best fits your situation. Then, at the bottom of page 2, develop an action plan to minimize water pollution hazard.

So how crappy are our pet practices? Let’s find out, as I share my completed Risk Assessment and Action Plan with all of you! (Click the image for a larger view.)

Water Joke: Go Fish With The Blondes

Three blondes were sitting on a riverbank patiently holding their fishing poles with the lines in the water when the game warden came up behind them, and said “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any.” replied the first blonde

“Well, if you’re going to fish here, you need fishing licenses.”

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines because we’re trying to find jewelry and valuables in the river bottom!”

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I don’t know of any law against it,” said the warden. “You can take whatever you find.” And with that, he left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb cop!” the second blonde said to the other two, “doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!

Best of 2009: Water and Drought Jokes: How Dry is It?

We’re taking it easy the last week of 2009 with reposts of some of our 2009 faves!

In case you missed it: In the thick of a blistering 2009 summer, we were inundated with news from far and wide of deep, devastating drought… so of course, that caused us to inquire, “Just HOW DRY is it?”

—REPOSTED, Original Link Here

Drought Turning Texas Dry as Toast: Yesterday I saw this headline on MSNBC (via WaterSISWeb) so that’s my cue to dig up my collection of “It’s so dry…” jokes.

So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry the Baptists are sprinkling and Methodists are spitting
It’s so dry that the Catholics are giving rain checks.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
So dry the trees are bribing the dogs. (variation: It’s so dry that the trees are whistlin’ for the dogs.)
Its so dry here that the fire hydrants are chasing the dogs around.
So dry my duck don’t know how to swim.
It’s been dry so long we only got a quarter inch of rain during Noah’s Flood.
So dry I’m spitting cotton.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
Dryer than a popcorn fart.
It’s so dry that the cows are giving evaporated milk. (variation: So dry the cows are giving powdered milk.)
It’s so dry the fish are knocking on the door, askin’ for a drink of water.
It’s so dry here the all the fish have ticks.
It’s so dry the Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
It’s so dry you’re only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
It’s so dry the government has announced a water pistol buy back scheme.
It’s so dry, crooks are siphoning off radiators instead of gas tanks.
It’s so dry, they’re encouraging people to pee in the pool.
It’s so dry, all the Baptists are converting to Catholic.
It’s so dry, the the dogs are marking their territory with chalk lines.
It’s so dry they’ve had to close two lanes at the swimming pool.
It’s so dry the river only runs twice a week.

All new, original! A few more I thought of while writing this post:

So dry we’re fishin’ on lawn chairs with slingshots.
It’s so dry we went rafting on hand trucks.
So dry the water tower was held up at gunpoint.

Sources: collected from all over, including here, here, here, here, here and here!

The Visual Water Dictionary: Plume

The Visual Water Dictionary attempts to cut confusion on ambiguous water terminology with easy visual references.

Today’s Term: Plume

Plume is an underground pattern of contaminant concentrations created by the movement of groundwater beneath a contaminant source, with the contaminants spreading in the direction of groundwater movement.  The source site has the highest concentration, and the concentration decreases and dissipates away from the source.

Diagram of a polluted groundwater plume (via www.earthsci.org)

Diagram of a polluted groundwater plume (via www.earthsci.org)

Thirsty in Suburbia desirability grade: F
(Major points deducted for threat to water quality, sneakiness and long-winded disputes over “who’s going to clean up this mess?” )

Often confused with…

A chapeau with Plume by Givenchy (via www.thisislondon.co.uk)

A Plume is a feathery accessory attached to a hat or other headgear. This plume floats merrily along with the direction of the wearer, and tends to disrupt the concentration and sight lines of other persons near the Plume’s source.

Thirsty in Suburbia desirability grade: B
(Minor points deducted for the laughing and finger-pointing that modern Plume wearers must endure.)

Previous entries in the Visual Water Dictionary:

Slurry
Cake
Mixed Liquor
Oasis