BB#18: Walnut Grove Spring Water, or why we have ‘green fatigue’

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Change water into wine, and you won’t have to change this brand’s packaging. I’ll bet this vino look-alike carries a hefty premium price for this luxe look, right? But wait… according to the company’s website, the recent change to glass containers was a purely green and altruistic decision! It has nothing to do with marketing! They even quote Al Gore on their site before explaining,

walnut grove spring water is likely the LOWEST CARBON FOOTPRINT premium natural spring water available by:

  • Using ZERO import carbon or other natural resources due to our DOMESTIC location – walnut grove spring water is bottled at the source in the heart of the US, and travels less than 3,000 miles coast-to-coast. Importation of foreign water from Europe and other exotic destinations travel up to 7,000 miles just to reach US ports, using countless amounts of transportation energy and natural resources
  • Utilizing a supply-chain containing100% North American Suppliers & encompassing less than 3,000 miles for all inbound raw materials
  • Packaging our single-serve premium natural spring water exclusively in 100% recyclable/consumer reusable glass bottles made with 25% recycled glass.
  • Utilizing local staff, management, materials, services, and vendors whenever possible
  • Taking steps to further reduce or eliminate raw material use such as: cradle-to-grave cardboard shipping container reuse, utilize applied labeling (eliminating paper or plastic label stock), and recycle or reuse all possible raw materials

Travels less than 3000 miles? How completely idiotic is that ‘green’ claim, given that it’s generally not more than 30 steps to the nearest tap. We are weary of you, ridiculous green marketers. Tired, tired, tired. Pretty bottle, though, we’ll give you credit for that. Fab photo by Techfun on Flickr.

Bad Bottle #17: Somewhere faraway there breathes the soul of a copywriter

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I don’t know where the site www.finewaters.com originates, but the enthusiastic writer/s certainly speak English as a second language. And how charming it is, their passion and enthusiam breaking the language barrier to reveal the essence of the sensual, passionate lifestyle-sell.

For Just Born Spring Drops (irresistable branding in name alone!), from the Chennai region of India, the product description reads:

Just Born Spring Drops is a great gift by Mother Nature. Crisp and clear it emerges at an altitude of 6,500 Sqft. cloud kissing peak of the Nilgiris Mountain.

The spring flows from the catchments area through the mountain layers naturally filtered and emerges in an unspoiled ecological protected environment, pure and intact where it is bottled at source at 10 C that maintains its purity and freshness.

To no one’s surprise, the company “have identified the benefit of this unique singular tasting crisp and clear water more suitable for babies and children. Ideal for the preparation of babies formula, cereals, juices, foods and soups.”

I’m a Big Shot! More Fun with Titles

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Another idea: what “big shot” sounding titles can I compose that are, in fact, accurate for my position?

Global Advertising Liaison (quarter-pages ’round the world.)
Associate Communications Director (In fact, I associate with them almost every day.)
Associate Vice President (I associate with them, too.)
Global Branding Oversight (I do tend to overlook a lot of that stuff.)
Environmental Infrastructure Liaison (although I think I’m finally out of that r’garden stuff).
Director of New Media (I get this by default because no one else knows what it is.)

I’m the writer. Or…

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While chatting with someone today, I quipped that I would like my business card to carry the title “Content Sniper.” And I would, really. Which led me to imagine, what are some other titles that might more accurately reflect the skills and mysterious chem that is, actually, about 75% of the package that makes a good “writer.”
How about…
Content Engineer (Engineer! That might win more respect around The Company.)
Differentiator (A handful of astute people have honed in on this one.)
Message Designer (alternatively, Content Designer,)
Textual Expression Specialist (for my Graphic Artist buds who always call copy “text.”)
Factotum (I actually used this one for awhile when I was a freelancer–latin, meaning, an employee or official having many different responsibilities. Still dead-on.)
Comprehensibility Control Specialist (would work well in my current situation)
UnTechnical Writer
Information Weaver (I get this, no one else would)
Randomizer (actually, not random at all though it looks that way to others)
Page Filler (for those who think it’s that easy)
Lorem Ipsum (same as the preceding)
Language Stylist (sounds neat, but too narrow)
Hostess, Market Party (inside joke–enemy of the infamous “party bore.”)
Brand Stamper (I like the rhythm of that one)
Branding Iron (hysterical!)
Last Brand Standing (not a good title, but a good name for a small copy biz)
WhatthefuckamIdoinghere (too direct, perhaps)

Suitable for Framing

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More Unconventional Self Motivation

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Last week, I was angry. I still am but I am moving along to better and higher endeavors, like mockery. I am commemorating this week’s events with a custom crafted motivational poster–not just one, but two! As before, I will display these in my kyoob with pride.