Ducks Cheerleader Should Have Ducked

Will this water-bottle violence never end? (Our rule: Three observances equals a certified trend! Here’s the first and the second!)

In the latest installment of water bottle as weapon, irate University of Arizona football fans hurled polyethylene projectiles onto the field in a November 21st post-game bottle-throwing incident that sent an Oregon cheerleader to to the hospital.

Next time, remember, D-E-F-E-N-S-E after the game, too! The normally-cheerful gal lost consciousness after being struck by a full water bottle and was treated and released from the University Medical Center in Tucson.

Oregon senior associate athletic director Joe Giansante commented,

“As the team was coming in, they were getting bombarded with water bottles, batteries, and various other items coming out of the stands,” Giansante said. “We were yelling at everybody to keep their heads up, but one got through and hit Katelynn in the head. All the kids (on the cheerleading team) are scared, but hopefully she’ll be OK.”

Mysterious Fruits of Water: Marionberry

Now that consumers have deduced that bottled-up tap water might not be their best buy, marketers have responded with value-added flavorings that ostensibly de-commoditize their products. Now, many esoteric fruits of the world are lending exclusivity to various brands.

Our Oregon friends will be offended to know that we thought that Twist Naturals with Marionberry might be a bottled water from Washington DC with a hint of crack cocaine!

Marionberries, from the blackberry family, are an iconic product of Oregon. They are named after Marion County where they were first grown, and were originally bred in 1956 at Oregon State University. 90% of  the world’s marionberries are grown in this area, and the state produces 28-33 million pounds annually.

In fact, offers a $39 “Marionberry Madness Gift Box” (which, madness aside, does NOT contain Twist Naturals water.)

Oh, back to this particular water. The package lists the ingredients as follows: Artesian Water, Pineapple Juice Concentrate, Natural Marionberry Flavor and Malic Acid. So why isn’t this Pineapple-Marionberry flavor? The label also carries a little bonus for the hipsters: “As in life, chill for best results.”

Related Post: Mysterious Fruits of Water: Dragonfruit

Bottled Water, Purity Personified

We shudder to imagine it… the leering, aggressive, dirty Earth forcing itself on the pure, untouched virgin raindrop, gently shimmering within its billowing white-clouded gown! We shall not allow it! Instead, we shall catch you, beautiful young raindrop, and safely bottle you, still pure, into a virgin container… for our customer to revel in your purity and gently drink with sensitivity and deep passion. Fear not, raindrop, they sincerely love our brand and pledge their commitment! And we’re pretty sure a lot of them might recycle.

From, “Oregon Rain Water is known as “Virgin Water” because it has never been touched by the earth. It is pure rainwater, harvested from Oregon Skies on sterile sheets and then filtered and pasteurized to ensure uniform quality and purity.”

I suggest everyone check in with the Oregon schoolchildren after their water cycle science unit, and they’ll break the bad news on virgin water. Not only has the lovely raindrop been touched by the earth, but likely earth-mauled several million times by now. In fact, this water is downright tarty.

This photo is by Flickr user jugbo, thanks!