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Shocking Water Revelations via Google Auto-Suggest

I’m not sure if Google’s auto-suggest feature is miraculous, intuitive, creepy, or all three! How’s it work? From Google Support we get this uncomfortably vague explanation:

As you type, Google Suggest communicates with Google and comes back with the suggestions we show. If you’re signed in to your Google Account and have Web History enabled, suggestions are drawn from searches you’ve done, searches done by users all over the world, sites in our search index, and ads in our advertising network.

Even if we don’t understand how the miraculous/intuitive/creepy process works, we can still have a rousing snickerfest just seeing what it will come up with.


For example, we all want water, but has anyone ever been thoughtful enough to ask water what IT wants? And how do we know if it desires a tropical storm or a fruity rum drink?)


Educators, see below: no wonder our young people are so ignorant of water matters. They’re not being properly taught with thirst analysis methods!


While the smell of water may vary, it apparently smells universally BAD.


Water, the gold-standard of vomit chasers?


And despite the frenetic World Water Week info blitz, not a WORD about bears! And what about the turtles and whales, huh? What about THEM!?


Ugh, too much of a good thing! If you’ll pardon me, I’m not feeling quite myself.

Headlines that Make Me Say, “Huh?”

South Haven officials, please get in touch. I believe I can help you unravel this perplexing mystery.

Which begs the question: are there environmental problems in heaven?

Lane County, how much of this is allocated for communications consultants? I know a good one and I’m pretty sure she can work within your budget.

As you might have noted by the image watermarks, all from failpost.com.

The Friday Fiver: Good Stuff You Missed This Week

ONE: Ebay Water Item of the Week:

Las Vegas Gaming Water Bottle Caddy $2.99. This is for all the folks who are ready to cast their chips on a Las Vegas water gamble! Winner takes all!

TWO: Weird Water News Item of the week:
Screenshot of video from www.wsvn.com

Screenshot of video from www.wsvn.com

From nbcmiami.com: A drunk Fort Lauderdale man had enough with the water bills on his mobile home, so he decided the only way to handle it was to burn the house to the ground.

Johnny Dossey, 43, was arrested yesterday after his home on the 1300 block of SW 21st Terrace exploded from the gasoline he poured on it, according to the Miami Herald.

The water bill was reportedly $70. The now-homeless Dossey is charged with first-degree arson. Police believe he may have been drunk when he set the house on fire.

THREE: Quotable Quote of the Week:

“I guess he got fed up with it.”
Luis Alvarez, neighbor of Johnny Dossey, drunk Florida water rate protester and arsonist.

FOUR: Water photo of the week:

Water before and after the reverse osmosis process at the water treatment plant in Nanjangud. (nestlecsv on Flickr)

FIVE: Water Blast from the Past:

From shorpy.com: Washington, D.C., circa 1920. “Standard Sanitary Manufacturing Co.”  Really?! I would have SWORN that it was Restoration Hardware, 2010!

Best of 2009: Water and Drought Jokes: How Dry is It?

We’re taking it easy the last week of 2009 with reposts of some of our 2009 faves!

In case you missed it: In the thick of a blistering 2009 summer, we were inundated with news from far and wide of deep, devastating drought… so of course, that caused us to inquire, “Just HOW DRY is it?”

—REPOSTED, Original Link Here

Drought Turning Texas Dry as Toast: Yesterday I saw this headline on MSNBC (via WaterSISWeb) so that’s my cue to dig up my collection of “It’s so dry…” jokes.

So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry the Baptists are sprinkling and Methodists are spitting
It’s so dry that the Catholics are giving rain checks.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
So dry the trees are bribing the dogs. (variation: It’s so dry that the trees are whistlin’ for the dogs.)
Its so dry here that the fire hydrants are chasing the dogs around.
So dry my duck don’t know how to swim.
It’s been dry so long we only got a quarter inch of rain during Noah’s Flood.
So dry I’m spitting cotton.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
Dryer than a popcorn fart.
It’s so dry that the cows are giving evaporated milk. (variation: So dry the cows are giving powdered milk.)
It’s so dry the fish are knocking on the door, askin’ for a drink of water.
It’s so dry here the all the fish have ticks.
It’s so dry the Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
It’s so dry you’re only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
It’s so dry the government has announced a water pistol buy back scheme.
It’s so dry, crooks are siphoning off radiators instead of gas tanks.
It’s so dry, they’re encouraging people to pee in the pool.
It’s so dry, all the Baptists are converting to Catholic.
It’s so dry, the the dogs are marking their territory with chalk lines.
It’s so dry they’ve had to close two lanes at the swimming pool.
It’s so dry the river only runs twice a week.

All new, original! A few more I thought of while writing this post:

So dry we’re fishin’ on lawn chairs with slingshots.
It’s so dry we went rafting on hand trucks.
So dry the water tower was held up at gunpoint.

Sources: collected from all over, including here, here, here, here, here and here!

Riches, Chicks, Eternal Life…I’m on a Boat!

Owning a boat from Water Werks will make you a real man! (Some restrictions apply.) Yes, this is a real ad and not a parody. If humor sells, this Illinois boat dealer should brace for a flood of new business. The hilarious commercial revels in it’s krazy, low-brow, bad-production-value approach… and succeeds gloriously.

And it reminds me, in broad concept anyway, of this infectious Saturday Night Live clip, “I’m on a Boat.” (Warning: contains a boat-load of explicit lyrics.)
I’m on a Boat (feat. T-Pain).

Four Corny Water Jokes

Since THE INTERNET overtook our lives, we miss those old-timey, hokey jokes. You remember… the kind  that came straight from someone’s mouth, face-to-face. The not-really-funny jokes that were made hysterical with huge dramatic overkill. No hyperlinks or email chains, it was first-person skilled delivery, timing, and frequently, alcohol.

If I could, I’d tell you these four water jokes over a beer or two or three!

WATER FOR THE KING
The King of a primitive but strategically-important third world nation visits the U.S. for the first time. As the King was being wined and dined by US officials in a four-star restaurant, his thirst was huge but he was distrustful of the water he was being served by the over-gratuitous staff. He quietly instructed his servant  to go and fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, the King motioned his servant to fetch more water, and he would scamper off and return with yet another glass.

On the fifth trip, though, the servant returned empty-handed. “You wretched man, why have you returned without what I ask?” demanded the King. “I beg your forgiveness, O Illustrious One, stammered the servant. “When I returned to the well, the white man was sitting upon it!”

A BLONDE WHO’S PREPARED: A guy notices that his new blond girlfriend brings two glasses to bed each night, one empty and the other filled with water. “Why do you do that?” he asked. She answered, “Well, if I wake up i the middle of the night, I don’t know if I’m going to be thirsty or not.”

THE CURE: A man goes to his doctor because he’s been feeling very ill for days. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with a large assortment of pills. He says, “Take the green pill with two big glasses of water when you get up. An hour later, take the white pill with another glass of water. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Mid afternoon, take the orange pill with plenty of water, and repeat that at dinner. Then, just before going to bed, take the red pill with several big glasses of water.”
The man is alarmed at huge volume of medicine he has been given to take, and nervously asks, “What’s the diagnosis? What’s wrong with me?” The doctor says, “You’re dehydrated.”

BEDTIME NEGOTIATOR: A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams downstairs, “Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?” The dad says, “No. You had your chance.” After a minute the boy screams again, “Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?” The dad says, “No. I told you, you had your chance. If you ask one more time, I’ll come up there and spank you.” After a short silence, the father hears, “Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?”